Letter to the Editor: How the Nut Saved Clarion
An exploreClarion.com viewer submitted this Christmas poem.
HOW THE NUT SAVED CLARION
Many a person in Clarion liked drugs a lot….
But the Nut just south of Clarion did not…..
How the nut hated drugs! And the whole drug culture!
It used to be a community with so much to offer!
It could be because his head was screwed on just right.
Or because his parents read him the Bible at night.
But I think the most likely reason of all
Is that it made people’s hearts two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, the heart or the Bible,
He stood there on Christmas Eve hating his hometowns new style.
Looking at Explore Clarion with his sour nutty frown.
At the horrible atrocities that have occurred in his town.
For he knew every person up in Clarion above
Was falling victim to some sort of drug!
“And they are snorting their meth!” He snarled with a sneer
“Almost the whole towns addicted to uppers, downers, or beer!”
Then he growled with his nut fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find some way to stop the drug shipments from coming!”
For tomorrow he knew all the men and the women.
Would be smoking their pipes and starting their sinnin’.
Then Clarionites young and old would get down to puffing.
And they’d puff! And they’d puff! And they’d just keep on puffing!
They would puff on their bud and some crack from the east.
Which is something the nut didn’t like in the least!
Then they’d do something that he liked least of all!
Every person in Clarion the tall and the small,
Would stand close together with country a blaring
And pass around needles! They’d even be sharing!
The more the Nut thought of this unsanitary act,
The more the Nut realized I must take Clarion back!
“Why for 29 years I have put up with it now!”
“I must stop the drugs from coming! BUT HOW?!”
Then he got an idea! A grand idea!
THE NUT GOT A WONDERFUL GRAND IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Nut laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick DEA hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked “What a great Nutty disguise!”
“With this coat and this hat ill give a Tom Selleck type vibe!”
“All I need is a police horse…” The Nut looked around.
But since trained horses are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Nut? No! The Nut simply said,
“If I can’t find a police horse, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his dog, Rondo. Then he took some red tape,
And he wrapped a brown saddle around the middle of his shape.
THEN He loaded some bags he found in his condo,
And ramshackled a carriage right around poor Rondo.
Then the Nut said, “Giddiap!” and the wheels started going round,
Toward the place he used to call his home town.
The courthouse was dark. Bob’s sub smell still filled the air.
All of Clarion was in a drug induced stupor without care.
He came to his first home “This is stop number 1” he hissed,
And climbed to the roof with a bag in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A very tight squeeze.
In a cannonball shape with his hands on his knees.
He only got stuck once for a moment or two.
Then he hung his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where he found baggies of coke all hung in a row.
“These 8 balls,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most upset,
And decided the heroin would be the next thing he’d get.
Needles! Glass Pipes! Why he grabbed them all!
He even took the last bong from the bathroom stall!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Nut very nimbly,
Pushed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the basement. With a hand on a bat.
And smashed to bits an entire meth lab!
He cleaned out their chemicals quick as a flash.
Why, the Nut even took their last nugget of hash!
Then he stuffed all the drugs up the chimney with glee.
“They won’t!” grinned the Nut, “Even be able to smoke tree!”
Then the Nut grabbed the bags, and he started to shove.
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Clarion native!
Not more than two or three had she age-ed.
The Nut had been caught by this tiny Clarion daughter,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Nut and said, “Policeman, why?,”
“does mommy and daddy do things that might make them die?”
But, you know, that old Nut was so smart and so slick,
He just told the truth, and he told it real quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Policeman said,
“Trust in me and your parents will remain safe in their bed.”
“I am taking all of their drugs, and their beer”
“I will burn it all up, to never return back here.”
And his truths satisfied the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when this little girl went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the drugs up!
Then he did the same thing to the rest of their places
Finding pot plants growing in many of their vases!
It was a quarter past dawn….All the people still in Acoma,
All of Clarion asleep as he stuffed away a bottle of Ammonia.
Two thousand miles back home! All the way back to Phoenix!
To burn the drugs on a mountain, some place scenic.
He burned all the drugs and turned on a closed circuit TV.
He was pretty sure just what he’d see.
He opened his eyes wide and watched his set.
Knowing he’d done something he’d never regret.
He did hear a sound on his implanted cameras.
At first it sounded no more than a stammer.
He listened real closely and it first came in real low.
It came in real low, and it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded merry!
Yes it was so! It was MERRY! Very!
He stared down at Clarion! The Nut popped his eyes!
He shook with joy, at a shocking surprise!
Every person in Clarion, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any drugs at all!
He jumped knowing he had cleaned up the streets!
Now to return to Clarion for my hero’s feast!
Why the Nut had saved Clarion and cleaned up the streets,
In fact the Nut himself cut the roast beast!
Christmas is better when your head isn’t so cloudy.
Get off the drugs Clarion so I can claim my town proudly!
Merry Christmas everyone!
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